wake up call tuesday {january 31st}

I'm going to start a new segment called wake up call tuesday. Since I'm now living in Washington with the heart-breakingly adorable girls you see above, I realized that there is no way I can live life here, and not tell everyone about what I witness in these girls' lives, and what I learn from it. So, welcome to wake up call tuesday's first installment.

Let me tell you briefly about the girls you see above. Sadie is 3, and Ellie is 7...  Summary over.

Ever noticed how when kids get in trouble, they fall apart crying? I started thinking about this, and wanted to figure out why that is. Kids don't really have a lot of things they're obsessed with. i.e: iPods, phones, computers, tv, xbox. So I was confused as to why they get so upset when they get in trouble. I mean, it's not like they're going to get grounded from they're cellphone for a week. They don't have those kind of things taking over their lives. So why do they get so upset? Why when parents find them doing something wrong, do they usually start crying and sobbing?

Because they're innocent. Because they don't want to disappoint. Because they want nothing else but to please they're parents and do the right thing, that when they find out that they've done something wrong, it eats them up, and they want to make it right. Think about it this way. When teenagers get in trouble for bad grades, attitudes, moods, or whatever, they get pissed off and angry. Usually though because they are getting something taken away from them. Like their computer or cellphone or time with friends. They don't get upset because they did something bad, they get upset because they don't get to have everything that is theirs.

Or adults. If they do something wrong at a job, well guess what? They're unemployed! Even adults do it. They do the right thing because they have to. Because they need a job. Don't get me wrong, people need jobs. But you shouldn't be handling something in the right way just so you can keep your job. Instead because it is the right thing to do.

Time to stop doing things right just because I want my phone for another week...

Until next time my faithful followers. :)

one day

1. Pack bathroom.

2. Pack final essentials.

3. Pack school books.

4. Last day at church.

5. Last day playing worship.

6. Say goodbye... to everyone.

I've lost all words. My last day in the desert. My last day with my church family. I don't even know how to write this post.... All I can say is, it's going to be a rough day.

two days

1. Sell Everything

Ok. I need to make this fast because I have a TON to do today and absolutely NO time to be doing this. But I really want to update everyone because it's all starting to get down to the wire...

Yesterday was our last YoungLife. Greg (our youth pastor) talked about us a little bit, and opened it up to have other people say things about us that they'll miss or appreciate. My heart proceeded to melt as person after person raised their hand to say something heart-warming and loving. "This is my family," I thought, "and I'm leaving them..."

But it didn't stop there. Right after YoungLife, we were lead to a suprise going away party, thrown by my greatest guy friend of 16 years, Jonah Schuch. It was such incredible fun with dancing and cake and ice cream with friends that are like my family. They are the greatest people I could have asked to have in my life for the past 16 years, and I'm going to miss them SO much.

Afterwords I went back to Brandi's house to spend the night. Hoping to get some cleaning done for them and go to bed, I went into the kitchen to help Brandi... (this was about 11:00) Little did I know that I wouldn't be leaving that kitchen till 5 am. We pulled an all-nighter. Cleaning here and there, but mostly talking. Well... Brandi talked. I listened. But I loved it because I just love to listen to her talk. As each hour passed, neither of us wanted to go to bed, scared to lose the time we had left. We finally went to bed at around 6 in the morning and woke up today at about 9:30. I stayed with them at their house till noon, and now I'm getting ready to plug away at the mountains of stuff I have to do.

Brandi will be joining melater because we can use as much help as we can get, but that's basically where I'm at now.. In the middle of this madness and chaos of getting things ready to go, I find personal and extremely valued moments with my friends/family. In two days time, I'll be 2,000 miles away. But I know that could never keep us "apart".

three days

1. Lunch with Brandi.

2. Spend the night with Hailey and Alyssa.

3. Going away party at Jonah's house.

4. Clean the couch cushions and get ready for selling.

A ticking time bomb. Set to go off in three days. It's getting torturous. Last night I said goodbye to my Karate Sensei of 10 years. If was the most emotional goodbye yet. It's people like him who have had an impact on my life since I was very very young that are going to be the hardest to say goodbye to. He also gave me a wonderful opportunity to still be able to get my black belt when I turn 17, just so long as I continue to train on my own in Washington. I'm so excited and I'm definitely going to pursue this opportunity.

Today and tomorrow I'm going to be with Brandi, Alyssa, and Hailey and I'm looking forward to the time I'll get with them. The days are slipping away. Have to make the most of what I have left...

four days

1. Last Karate class after 10 years.

2. Get passport application turned in.

3. Finish school for the week and pack up school books.

The days are inching by. Still happy that the week hasn't been going extremely fast, but I can see Monday coming, and it's coming fast.

Oh how sadly true this is. I'm so bad at goodbyes. When it comes time to do them, I'll be ignorant to the fact that they are actually happening, or I will completely fall apart and lose it. So far this week, it's been that I've been ignorant to the fact that they are actually happening. In my head, I know I think I have so much longer here. Weeks even. But that's not true. The clock is ticking. Only 4 more days. Time to get crackin..

five days

1. Last piano lesson.

2. Goodbye to my Grandparents.

3. Finish passport paperwork.

4. Dinner with Clantons.

 

 

I get nervous easily. Even by very little things that to most people may seem unimportant. For example, I couldn't pull my hair back at dinner tonight.. Inside, I was freaking out and I wasn't able to enjoy my dinner as much as I would have been able to. I know, it's weird. But my point is, I have a lot of things that are making me nervous right now because things are chaotic and not very organized or planned out. So.... that's where I'm at right now.

what love is this

"You never change, you are the god you say you are
when I'm afraid you come and still my beating heart
you stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought 
you take my pain, and you lead me to the cross"

God, from when I first met you during the summer of 2010, to today, January 24th of 2012, you are the same. You are the same God who wiped my tears, who calmed my nerves, who saved my life, who consoled my pain, who lead me straight, who taught me right, who showed me the way, and who gave me life. If you did all that then, you can, and will do that now.

"What love is this, that you gave your life for me
and made a way for me to know you
and I confess, you're always enough for me 
you're all I need"

I can't even comprehend it, God. In a world where love is self-satisfying and selfish, you did the greatest act of selflessness because you love me. You died for me. You gave your life, your innocent blood, and your flowing tears, for me. What love is this? I don't even know. I'd ask for you to show it to me, but you already did. On the cross. When you were thinking of me.

"I look to You, I see the scars upon Your hands
And hold the truth, that when I can't, You always can
And standing here, beneath the shadow of the cross, 
I'm overwhelmed, that I keep finding open arms"

I lose count of the number of times You've told me that You can! You can heal my broken heart. You can give me peace. You can provide a way. And for once, I'm holding on to that truth. And I'm not forgetting it.
The love... the love You give me, the love You have for me... Even when I don't feel like I can love myself, You remind me that You do. With arms that will always be open, and will never reject me.

"What love is this that you gave your life for me 
and made a way for me to know you
And I confess, you're always enough for me
You're all I need"

Yes, I don't feel loved sometimes. I feel very much alone, and on my own, rejected, and unwanted. But no. That's not the case. Because You will always love me. And You will always be enough for me, even when people on earth fall painfully short.

"Jesus, in Your suffering, You are reaching, You thought of me
Jesus, in Your suffering, You are reaching, You thought of me"

At Your lowest! When they spit in Your face! When everyone hated You! When You died... You were thinking of me. Because You love me. Because.... You didn't want to see me suffer that same fate. So you took it from me.

"What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess, you're always enough for me
You're all I need
What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess, you're always enough for me
Always enough for me
Always enough for me"

You're the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords, and I'm the one you saved? Oh how small I feel. How humble. How fortunate. How loved. I want to praise you for the rest of my life. Here on my knees with my hands held high, I'll praise you forever.

six days

1. Pack up kitchen and appliances

2. Dinner with life long friends to say goodbye.

Six days to go, and I'm starting to feel a little better. I prayed to God on Sunday night that my week would go by very slowly. That I'll be able to cherish every moment of it, and it won't just run away from me. It's only Tuesday, but usually at this point in the week, I'd feel like it was Friday. So I'm feeling very good right now. Though the goodbyes are sad, I'm able to deal with them better than I thought. I'm spending a lot of time with the Clantons (Brandi, Alyssa, and Hailey) and I'm really enjoying all the different personal and close moments I get with them. But this desert... I think I'm getting there.. I'm almost ready to let it go. But let's see how the rest of the week goes.

seven days

1. Movers come to take my bed and our piano that we've had for 5 years.

2. The last Monday I get to go to Wyldlife, lead worship, and hang out.

3. First week I haven't had a Middle School Monday Night Bible Study since April of 2011.

Seven days till Sydni and I depart for Washington. I wish I could say it's getting so much easier, but on the contrary, it's growing so hard. In the back of my mind I want to find every open moment in my schedule and sneak over to Hailey, Alyssa, and Brandi's house, but that's unrealistic. I have 16 years worth of people that I need to get together with and say goodbye to. Every day... every moment.. It's all ticking down. And now there's only a week left on the clock. I wish I could have done more with the time I had here in the desert with unlimited access to all these people. But now, I have what I have. And what I have is one week. Time to use it wisely.

oh how i praise him

Like in my post father, you're beautiful, I'd like you all to play this video while you read my post.

October 3rd, 2010, I heard this song, and it took on a new meaning. I had flown to Washington that weekend to visit some friends and go to Refuge at Sambica Camp. The worship team that was singing at the event opened with this song. I knew it very well, I had lead it on the youth worship team at my church, so I was excited to hear it. But as we were singing, I became filled with joy. Joy I didn't normally feel when worshiping with this song. And since, it has meant something very different to me...

When I hear this song, I think of freedom. Freedom in Christ. Like when I go to Washington, I feel free and at home. Oh how I praise Him for this freedom! A freedom I don't feel at my home in California. A freedom to not be judged or ridiculed. A freedom from worrying about what other people think. But most of all, the freedom I have to embrace my Christ with full force, and know that he will embrace me back.

That is why I chose this video. The man in this video is walking down a street, worshiping in full view of the public and not even caring that people stare, that people probably judge, that they may think he's crazy. No. He doesn't see those people. I'm sure all he sees is the feet of God. Maybe even how fortunate he is to be able to kneel before the Father and worship Him.. No matter our surroundings.

what i'll miss : what i'll get

It's so odd. I was at coffee with my mom this morning, really early, and we were just talking about life, and what Washington is going to be like... and out of the blue, this man from our church comes into the Starbucks. And who else could it be, but my "step grandfather", Dick Friesendorf. He is a golden representation of how loved we are by our church. Just his simple 'goodmorning sweety', and amazing hugs shine so much joy into my life because I know he cares so much for us. After we sat back down to our coffee, both my mom and I were near tears, because both she and I knew that these times were not going to last much longer. It's a small valley, and running into people you know is very common.

Here's the simple truth... I-hate-the-desert. I see no point in being here, I have no future, and everywhere I go, I'm being suffocated by the painful memories of my past. But that doesn't mean that everything here is bad. When I think about things that are worth staying for, the first thing that jumps to my mind is Brandi, Alyssa, and Hailey. Read my posts I wrote about Alyssa, and Brandi. This little family is just so amazing. I haven't written a lot about Hailey, but she is just as amazing as her sister and mom.

Let me briefly talk about Hailey. She's 11, blonde, 70 lb., really short, and easy to pick up and run away with. Hailey is the strongest little girl I've ever met. The storms she faces in her life never keep her from smiling and brightening people's lives. Though sometimes I worry about her, I know that her incredible faith in God keeps her grounded and she will come out on top of everything she is faced with.

Ok, back on topic. When I think about what is important to me in the desert, I think of these 3 people. Any time I get to text, talk, or be with them, I cherish the memories. For example, last night, I had a 4 hour skype video call with them. Not all of it was spent talking, and as Alyssa would get tired, Hailey would come in to talk to me, and Brandi would filter in and out of the picture occasionally. It just made me so sad though. This was what my relationship with them would mostly consist of when I move. And even then as I skyped them from 10 minutes away, my heart still ached to sit next to them, and hug them, and be with them, rather than look at them through a computer.

Another thing my heart breaks about when I think of leaving is my family. My grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and our new additions to the family. But i guess wherever I go, there will always be some family left behind. I'm moving in with cousins in Washington, and I'm leaving some in California. But again, it makes me cry when these things present themselves to me.

But I never doubt. I never doubt what the Lord has lain before me. His plans for my life in Washington are going to be unbelievable. Though these people in California will be incredibly missed, I know my life will be turned upside down as God brings new people, new friends, and new Faith family alongside me.

So I guess the point is, I will always have my life in California. I will always have my family, and my friends will always hold a special claim on their part in my life. But I have a future that I know is beautiful. A future that will blow my mind. And all because God was gracious enough to allow me this undeniable, unavoidable, unimaginable opportunity.. :)

phone busted, hair destroyed

I've had kind of a rough week. If you haven't noticed from my past couple posts. Two small things that happened were that I broke my phone, so I was without communication for 2 days till some really great friends lent me one temporarily. The second is that I tried to dye my hair again today. It didn't turn out great. I wanted to dye it a darker brown than I had before... the only problem is it turned out completely black. So we were scrambling to fix it, I was crying all over the place because I hated it so much, and every time I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a halloween wig that was bought at the 99 cent store.

Yeah, these seem like small irrelevant problems, (and don't worry, I'll cover how stupid my freaking out at these was) but at the time of my phone breaking, my-world-ended. I had no communication, I had no excuse for procrastination, I had no idle space filler! What was I supposed to do, read?!

And then my hair.... I could not have asked for a worse end to my day. I mean.... are you kidding me?? BLACK hair! Of all the colors that could have gone wrong, it had to be the most Gothic! AND just after I got my nose pierced??!? well this is going to go over well at the church... But forget what other people think. I look in the mirror, and I start crying. I hate how it looks! I always had compliments left and right for my beautiful hair. And it was just sooooo necessary for me to dye my hair in the first place, causing it to need to be re-dyed, and eventually ruin it with this god-awful black. Not to mention, we tried to lighten it. Some mixture with honey and other crap. It took out the harshness of the black color. But it is definitely-still-black. And along with it, a lovely amount of hair damage to make my life so much more enjoyable... This, just, sucks..


....


what am I saying? I'm complaining because my electronic device was temporarily unavailable, and my latest hair alteration didn't come out a shade and a half lighter??? Am I just the most selfish, conceited, greedy person in the world??? I have my health. I have clothes (looooottssss of clothes). I have friends and family. No one died. There's no reason I should be getting so upset about all this.


I'm so thankful that my phone stopped working because it allowed me to refocus on the things that are really important. Family.. and being in the moment. Not forgetting the little things, and being a part of taking these steps forward without being distracted by the addictions of my generation.


I'm so thankful that my hair came out black. It totally shook up my view on beauty. The dictionary defines beauty as a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that definition is completely wrong. Beauty is not a look. It is not visually pleasing. It is not the most important thing in a relationship, situation, person, or item...Beauty, is God shinning through you to other people in all areas of our lives. (Post About God's Beauty) Beauty does not exist anywhere until God rests at the core. He, is the only thing that is beautiful.

So yes. I'm glad my hair is black. Not only does it change my perspective, but I'll already have half my Halloween costume. So.... win win.

inconsiderate people don't rule my life

You know when you reach that point in a season of your life, when you realize that letting other peoples actions effect your outlook on life is a bad choice? Yeah, I'm at that point right now. I use my blog as a kind of internet journal. What most of your don't realize is I write a lot of posts I don't publish. I leave them as drafts. Yesterday I wrote a post about how things were going. As I just read back over it, it was the most depressing and "day-ruining" thing I'd ever read. It's true, my days have not been very good. There just always seems to be thing after thing, person after person, situation after situation, that causes me such deep pain and hurt. It's unfortunate that I feel these things so deeply because it inhibits me from being able to continue on in my day. And I don't just mean continuing on in a positive way, I mean being able to get through my day with a neutral attitude. I can't even seem to do that.

But I've made the decision before, and I'll make it again, that I will-not let other people determine my mood, day, emotional stability, or even my life. I drive this spaceship. And I am going to keep my spirits high, and glorifying God, through every layer of the atmosphere I enter.

But I'm not going to lie, inconsiderate actions where people only think about themselves... yeah, that hurts.

whats been going on with me

Oh my goodness, things have been crazzzyyyy in my life right now. here's a short update.

{Playing a piano solo at the Christmas Eve service. Read my post about this night}

{Christmas night with my sisters and our Delair cousins}

{The Wednesday after Christmas, we had our traditional "Christmas Eve" get together with our Grandparents}

{another picture from Christmas night. Me with Brooklyn}

{I spent New Year's with my really good friend Courtney, who I hadn't seen in months}

{I lead the youth worship on Sunday, January 1st, 2012. A really great way to start the year.}

  {Today, 1.7.2012, I spent the day with my great friends, the Clantons, Alyssa, Hailey, and Brandi. Alyssa is on the left (see the post I wrote about Alyssa), and Hailey is lying on top of me.}

Things are insane. A lot of my favorite times are when I get to have a chill night with my family, even in the middle of this madness, or spend the day with the Clantons, and I'll get to relax and stop worrying about everything. Next week I have my semester finals. I'm really looking forward to being done with this semester, and be able to start fresh. 23 days till take off and counting.

as life passes

Today my sister and I were running around doing a few errands. It was one of those odd desert winter days when the sun was shinning bright and warm. We don't have that great of a car, and there isn't any air conditioning and the windows get stuck really easily. But we were driving down the freeway, and I just started looking.....

I never really realized how beautiful the desert was. Washington is a refreshing change of beauty with green everywhere. But I love how, in this desert, there aren't any trees blocking the natural beauty. The sun falls on it in almost an artist way. All the hills, palm trees, mountains, they're all so strategically placed. I can see God in this desert. His beauty is overpowering.

When we got off the freeway, I started looking at the people in the cars... so many of them, I knew. I'd seen before. I may not hang out with them, or even know their names, but I've seen them all over the place. Our desert is a huge number of people, but it's so weird that I see a lot of the same people all of the place. There's the woman from Del Taco, who's been there since I was 8. There's the homeless man who shows up at volleyball games, the bowling alley, has had jobs at the movie theater, In-N-Out, Revenge in downtown Palm Springs... Then there's the checkout lady at Stater Bros who's always there to scan my Red Hot Cheetos... and after 16 years in this desert, you tend to see the same people at the grocery store, movie theater, restaurants, street fair. That kind of familiarity is something I'm going to miss when I move.

After I go to Washington, I'm only going to be there for about a year and a half. Shortly after that I'm going to be going off to college. And if everything goes according to my current plan, and God doesn't throw me a curve ball, I'll most likely be moving out of state once again.

As I look at my future, honestly... I get really nervous. I'll never doubt what God has for me. But as I steps forward onto this roller coaster ride, I start to miss those days when life was simple and easy in my big house on San Antonio Rd... it's true what they say that when you're young, your biggest wish is to be older, graduating high school, moving on to your own life where you're the boss. But as you actually approach that big and scary world, your only wish is to go back to when times were easy, and you could play for hours and hours without worrying about being late for something, not finishing a paper, or any other of your regular responsibilities...

oh how I dream of those days...

a girl to change the world : alyssa

So, because she asked for me to, I'm writing a post today about a wonderful young girl named Alyssa. Alyssa is 13, goes to my church, and is a regular attendant at the bible study I lead. Like how when I wrote about Brandi (who, incidentally, is Alyssa's mom), I'd like to share with you a few reasons why I love Alyssa...

First is that Alyssa can make me laugh at anything. 

She is never afraid to show a side of herself that is completely true to who she is. It is plain and honest. And absolutely hilarious. She doesn't hide who God made her to be. She proclaims herself loudly and doesn't care of you like it or not. She shines so much joy into my life. Anytime I'm having a bad day, am irritated, or just not feeling up to anything, she pulls me out of it instantly, by just being herself.

The next, and most important, is that her relationship with God is unbelievable.

Never have I met someone of her age who works so hard to have a close relationship with God. It may not be perfect. She, like every other Christian to walk the earth, has dry times in her faith, but she always comes back stronger, and more in love with our God. She's an incredible example to other Christians that you don't have to have years of training, you don't have to be in ministry, you don't have to be an adult to have a deep, close, intimate, and real relationship with the God who changed her life.

Third is she doesn't go with the crowd.

 She thrives on being different.. an individual. She doesn't make the easy choice in tough decisions. Instead, she sees the bigger picture, and she wrestles through the terrible fights that today's teenagers face. Through drugs, relational intimacy, money, drinking, self-image, slander and gossip, depression, shop lifting... she pushes through the norm of her generation, and fights it off with the Word of God and prayer. That, right there, is just about the hardest thing for a girl her age to do. I didn't do that when I was her age. I admire her greatly for being so strong and leaning on God through all she is faced with on a daily basis.

Last is she is incredibly smart and opinionated for her age.

I think it's great that she has so many opinions and ideas at 13 years old. I'm so sick of how people often say that kids and teens don't have opinions that matter and don't know anything. I understand that when you are young, you're unaware of a lot of things in the world and it takes till you're older to understand them fully, but that does not, in any way, mean that kids and teens do not have opinions, ideas, and thoughts about various topics. We are smart. When people draw the easy conclusion that we just don't understand, that usually leads them to the thought that we're not smart. I promise, we are.

The fact that Alyssa turns her nose up to those comments and doesn't let it stop her from thinking is so mature of her. By doing that, she's unconsciously entered a battle that I've been trying to fight, tooth and nail, through this blog between these younger generations and the stereotypes of the world.

There are only a couple of people in my life that I admire. Alyssa, is one of them. I wish I could have been in such a strong place in my faith at her age. I've told her many times that if she ends up messing up her life, I will hunt her down and hit her over the head with the Bible... but in my heart, I do not believe that she will ever end up in a place like that. Each of the things I wrote about are things that are so rare to find in today's youth... this young girl, has all of them. If she can do it, why can't the rest of us?

I can see her doing incredible things. If the world were to be changed, she would be the one to do it. Her goal in life is to get really fat and live in her kitchen. Even if she one day achieves that goal, I know that she'll still be changing lives from her place at the dinning room table.

goodbye to a painful past, hello to a beautiful future

Today, January 1st, 2012, was one of the hardest days of my life. Because I took a step, a big one, from my life before, to my life ahead. I had to say goodbye to a lot. Goodbye to my life in California, had to actually say goodbye to a friend on New Years Eve who I'm not going to see again before I move, goodbye to normality, goodbye to everything I've ever known, and even goodbye to a once close friend. I do what I do because God has called me to do it. Saying goodbye to my once close friend, it wasn't really goodbye. I'm going to see her many times before I move. But I was saying goodbye to our friendship. Goodbye to someone who had been a big part of my life for years. Goodbye to a person, who at different times, was the only person I had to lean on.

But I'm not in those places anymore. I'm strong. I have my head lifted high and I'm breathing deeply and clearly. For once, I'm free. I'm not smothered by this wretched desert anymore. In a few short weeks, it'll all be behind me and the only place I'll have to go is forward. And let me tell you, the direction God is taking my life is just blowing my mind. Every ugly lie, dirty secret, evil sin, terrible relationship, bad decision, painful regret... I'll finally be able to move on. I'll finally be able to come out on top and conquer it. No longer am I swimming in a pool of my past that has filled this desert. No! Because my past is just that! It's my past. And it will stay where it belongs. What was once unbearable is now a memory that will cease to be recalled in a regular basis.

This is my start. This is my new beginning. This, is my future.