father, you're beautiful

Today I was sitting, and contemplating the meaning of life, like I do every day when the light grows dim, and I was struck by something. Call it what you will, a wake up call, discovery, realization, I don't know, all I know is I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. I felt worthless.

Allow me to elaborate. Any time I've ever been in a good place in my life I've felt unimportant, worthless, small, and irrelevant... and it's the greatest feeling in the world. I rejoice at such a feeling. There's nothing I'd rather feel more. There is joy erupting inside my heart when I feel these amazing things roll over me like waves. Because when I'm not thinking about me, I'm thinking about Him! And when I'm thinking about Him, I see how great He is, and how beautiful he is. And then, everything else becomes irrelevant. Silly, really.. What is my problems, my life compared to Him. I'm so unworthy. I'm nothing!

And yet.... He calls me the beautiful one. Me? Yes! Me! And you!

The only reason I'm beautiful is because I was made in his image. The greatest beauty is the one that comes from the source of all beauty. The beauty that shines like a beacon of hope in the darkest and ugliest world is the beauty I possess because of HIM! It is the beauty that all can possess when we see our reflection by looking upward to the Heavens, not forward to a mirror.

I feel joy like nothing I've felt in such a long time. He. Is. Beautiful. He gave me everything. He gave me life. He gave me the ability to show the world in a creative way the overwhelming feelings of love and compassion I feel towards my Father. But the greatest of these is that He gave me Himself. He gives me His love. Without which, I'd not have a purpose to live.

God... you are everything to me. I love you more than my life. I want to be with you forever. Nobody else in the world matters. It's just me, and You. Embrace me Father, and never let me go.

a shattered heart : my village

I've now been forced to come out from under the wonderful protective shell of Christmas. Don't get me wrong, Christmas was wonderful. But it was an excuse, for months, that we didn't have to worry about moving until after the holidays. Now, it's right there in our faces. It's time to GO! And that is basically freaking me out. There's so much to do. We haven't done hardly any packing. We need to decide what to keep and what to sell. There is a lot that is going to be put in storage, so that's a whole other pile of junk that needs to be separated out. And we have all our Christmas stuff up right now, so we need to take that down and package it up, then dive in to our regular living stuff, and then dive in deeper to that stuff that blends in to the walls and you forgot existed since 2005.

So we have packing, but then we have people. Saying goodbye has got to be the hardest part about moving a great distance. You've heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child", well I'm saying goodbye to my village. I mean, from the outside, it does look like much. My village looks like the one that sits next to Disneyland. I mean seriously, what is a grimy disgusting village compared to The Most Magical Place on Earth? Well, that's my village. It's nothing special. The people can be annoying, not the crowd you'd choose to sit next to on the subway, they seem to have odd quirks that you think you could never get used to, they have that plastered smile that always scares away the little kids, and they can talk way too loud. But you know what? It's MY village!

That village raised me, and they're the greatest village in the world. Though I tried so hard at times to put on my hard exterior, they always saw right through it. So yeah, maybe they made me a little weirder than I could have been, but it makes me unique. The odd quirks and wonderful aspects of who I am were so wonderfully applied by the different people God placed in my village. Whether they were my amazing family or loyal friends, each were here for a reason.

Now I have to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and let go. I've been holding as tightly as I could, up until my knuckles were turning purple, because there was no way I would let go of my village. My support system. My mentors. My family.. But now, it's time to open my hands, and give that village, that support system, those mentors, my family, over to God. They're not mine. They've never been mine. They've always been His. They've been His to take at any time. Now is that time.

So God! Here you go! You can have them. I will not pretend that my heart is not completely shattered to have to give up my village. I hurt with a pain I've never felt before, and it cuts deeper than any wound that's been inflicted on me. I'll say it again and again that I do not want to do this. But God, who am I to stand in the way of what you want? Who am I to stand in the way of the direction you are leading my life? I know you'll fill the chasm left by the absence of my village. I trust you to do what Your Word promises. I love you more than my life. I give you my village to do with what You will. If I am to continue in relations with all, some, or none, I'll be ok. Because even if I never talk with them again, I know I don't need them. Because I have You. Lead me where you will.

a different chirstmas story...

Tonight I went to my first Christmas Eve service, ever. It was odd. I'm on the worship team, so I was actually playing. As I sat in a chair watching the team practice just after I got there, it just hit me over the head, I've NEVER done this before. I've never been to a Christmas Ever service. Every year, my family and I would go over to our Grandparents house and have a celebration with them, but this year, my sisters and I aren't going to do that until next Wednesday, which freed me up to play on the Christmas Eve service. I played Silent Night on the piano. It's a beautiful arrangement. I practiced it once on front of the worship team and pastors. For some reason, this little run through caused me to be ridiculously nervous. I understand my nerves. And when I say, I was nervous, I mean, I was shaking in places I didn't know I could shake. (like my calves, feet, back, shoulders... It was like a mini-seizure) But the odd thing was, when I went up again to do it for the church, I wasn't nervous or freaking out, or anything. Which is what I was used to. I don't really get nervous when I perform, which is why, when I felt the nerves over-take me during practice, it was super weird. So... I did what any 16 year old would do. I analyzed the situation, broke it down, and condensed what I'd discovered into this theory...

It was simply the small and intimate setting of people who I was playing for that caused me to be so nervous.

Let me elaborate.. I was playing for a group of people who meant the world to me.. and soon, each of them would be so far away from me, it would take a couple of days of driving to see them. People like Carl who has contributed greatly to my life in music and ministry, Mary who has always been there to listen to me and occasionally offer some encouragement, Paul who has been a great leader and pastor, Lloyd, David, Ellie, and Stan who are all just fellow musicians on the worship team who I have been so blessed to be accepted by. They were a group I didn't want to disappoint.

Later when I was on stage performing, I felt like I was settling back into that perfect pair of jeans that fit just right. I wasn't nervous, and I felt so comfortable and happy to finally be sharing such an important part of my life with the rest of my church family.

And I guess that's what Christmas is all about. It's about friends and family. Every year, it's just about my immediate family, and tonight, I was able to extend that out to my church family and friends. It was such an incredible experience. I always like to say that I know the real meaning of Christmas, and I do. But I just need that reminder. It's not about gifts, it's not about money, it's not about cookies, lights, trees, ornaments, coordinating colors, or anything. It's about the people you spend it with, and the Savior who came to earth in the innocent form of a child so we could all live together as one big family in eternity.

So with that, I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas.

teen suicides

Lately, there have been a lot of reports of teen suicides. In this past year, teenage suicide has increased by 10 percent. Each year, at least 30,622 teens in the U.S. commit suicide. It is the second leading cause of death in teenagers. There is this thing circling around asking people, teens mostly, to draw a heart on their wrist in order to support the prevention of teen suicides.
Teen suicide is an awful thing. People tend to underestimate how many people struggle with suicidal thoughts or fantasies. So many of the people in even your everyday lives could be struggling with it. It's such an overpowering thing that many people fall prone to it. But it's not unbeatable. Sometimes, it just means caring. Which can include a lot of things. A hug. Some love. The simple act of showing you care can go a long way in the prevention of a teen suicide.

It's something you absolutely can not ignore. Every one of those teens, every one of those human lives, is a future ended. It's potential, ended. It could have been a difference that never came, or a revolution that didn't happen.

And you can reverse that. Just take a step of faith. Ask that one person if they are alright. Talk to somebody new at school. Try to do one extra kind thing a day. You never know. You could save a life.

more like brandi...

I've got a friend. And she's not like my usual friends. She's a mom of 3 and older than me. But she's one of, if not the greatest friend I have. Her name is Brandi. Just tonight we were talking a little about how we've both been at the same church for about 4 years, but never met or knew each other (which is odd because our church is incredibly small. Just around 100 people) until about 8 months ago when I found out that she and her husband were involved in the youth program. It breaks my heart that I've only been close with her for just a little while, and in a few short weeks, I'll be moving to the opposite side of the country. Though she reassures me often that all the distance doesn't mean that our relationship is over, I know for a fact that things will be very different. Because she won't live 2 minutes away from me, and we won't be able to go to coffee at the Starbucks by Stater Bros, and I won't see her 4 or 5 times a week for Bible Study, church, and spontaneous shopping sprees for bathing suits. It makes me so sad, and the words I'm typing are growing blurry by the tears starting to fill my eyes, but I figure I should tell you a little bit of why she means so much to me. Here are a couple reasons why I love Brandi so much...

1. She loves kids. But not little kids. Well, I'm not sure. But mostly Middle and High school kids. She is majorly aware of what today's youth go through and is always looking for ways to be an active part in their lives.

2. She's not a big kid. I see a big difference between someone who gets along with kids better than adults, is able to carry on a conversation with them, and have fun with them, and someone who is immature, trying to relive their high school years later on in life, and ignore adult responsibility to be a child. She has fun, enjoys kids, enjoys helping kids, and loves to be around them. But she is also able to be serious, concerned, and give great advice that is truly from a smart adult perspective but able to be applied to a young high school student's life.

3. She is genuinely concerned about any/everything you are going through. Whether or not it's valid, silly, intense, life-threatening, or whatever. Nothing is unimportant if it's a problem in your life. And I love that about her.

4. The last and final thing is that she shares the same point of view on something that is very near and dear to my heart. And that is not judging people. One night, she sent me a message saying that she does not judge, because God forgave her and did not judge her for her life's mistakes, and it's not her place, or purpose, to judge other people. She then went on to quote to me my life verse which is Matthew 7:1 and 2, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

So yeah. I felt lead to share this because I really feel that there needs to be more people in the world like Brandi. Not only people who don't judge (or at least try not to, because it's really hard not to judge people all the time), but people who are concerned about youth and what they have to deal with. People are so ignorant now-a-days to what kids have to deal with that it takes a 15 year old boy committing suicide by hanging himself for people to realize that they should have been more aware and concerned and involved in what he was going through. I'll write another post about teen suicides soon, but for now, we should all try to be more aware and concerned, and NON-judgemental.


Until the sun shines over the beautiful Coachella Valley mountains,

frozen moments in time

Hey blogging world. I promise that I will get on a regular blogging schedule. Things are irregular and all over the place right now because I'm moving and we have a lot going on. I'm going to sit down today and plan out a schedule for posting. But right now, I want to pull a few very special moment from the past few months and share them with you.

This is when I had been baptized on May 22nd. Greatest day ever. :)

Meeting my cousin Malachi for the first time on July 29th. I haven't been able to see him much since this summer, but I'm so excited to be more involved in his life when I move to Washington.

 

Meeting my cousin Brooklyn for the first time in August. Love this little bundle of joy so much. Sad that when I move I'll miss out on her growing up. But I'm still so happy to have this angel in our world.

 Went to Colorado for a week in October. I was able to see some of the most breathe taking nature. It was gorgeous and a wonderful getaway.

 Another picture from Colorado when we were in Estas Park.

Hanging out with my older sister when she came back from college for Thanksigiving. :)

Just a short update. Will post on a regular basis from now on.

my take on relationships

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worth it.

This here is one of my favorite quotes about relationships. I hear a lot of older people saying that young love is a waste of time. False. There's nothing that angers me more than when people say this, and then attempt to come between you and every guy you hang around. As if I'm hooking up with every guy I see. I could fill a whole other post on this topic alone, but let's focus back and pick apart the quote I mentioned above.


If she's amazing, she won't be easy.
Take a moment and let that sink in. Now take another moment and think about the girl your with or the girl you like, and ask yourself this, is she amazing? If the answer was yes (as I'm sure it would be), I want you to ask yourself another question. Is she easy? And I'm going to throw in my own question. Does she respect herself? Now think back on the first question. Has your answer changed? If not, then she's worth keeping around.

If she's easy, she won't be amazing.
Unfortunately, it's sad how true this statement is. So many girls throw themselves to the wind and think that they have it all and realize, all too late, that they are worth so much more. This line, unlike the last one, I believe is more directed towards woman. Examine yourself and make a decision. Do you want to be crazy and have fun and trade love for shallow contentment that is lost soon after the night is over? Or do you want to wait (which is never easy) and find love that lasts a lifetime and longer? It's your choice.

If she's worth it, you won't give up.
If you think you've found the girl, hold on to her for dear life. Because just when you stop believing that she is the gem that God made her to be, someone will come along and take her from you. And 9 times out of 10, it's your fault, because you gave up and stopped believing in what you had with her.

If you give up, you're not worth it.
Boom. Take that. That's a wake up call right there. People fly through relationships like pairs of socks. So basically, if you enter into a relationship with someone, it should be serious, you should be committed, and giving up should be a last resort. Not an escape route.

Love is a precious thing. Through a lot of work, bitterness, painful words, and hurt, a beautiful relationship will blossom out that will last your entire life. And a relationship that centered around God, as friends, best friends, dating, and marriage, is going to be a hundred times better than one that is not. In everything life throws at you, God is first and most important.

life is a series of rooms

I walked into the middle of my room and slowly turned where I stood, taking in everything I saw like it was the first time I'd ever been there. I saw my room in a different way. I saw past the clothes on the floor, homework on the desk, pictures in frames hung on the wall, art projects, books, instruments, flowers, awards, and childhood memorabilia. I saw a white room, with four walls, that was holding everything that's moved from house to house with me for the past 7 years. This room was no longer a dwelling place. It was a storage unit.
It held the things I felt were most important to keep with me through every endeavor and new adventure. This room was now a a ticking timer to that moment where I walk out, and never look back. It was also a symbol that my life will never be the same. It will move forward in ways I'm not used to, and I may not always be comfortable, like how I won't be totally comfortable in this room anymore. But my life is just a series of rooms that I'm passing through, and eventually, I will fit perfectly and comfortably in the room where I dwell along side my God. Everything in between now and then is just a space filler.

moving cross country

I'm moving to Washington. Wwwwhhhhhaaaaattt???? Yep, you heard me.

I currently live in California, and have been living here my entire life. So why the sudden change? Well, there have been a lot of changes in my family, and no matter where we chose to go, we had to move. And as I've mentioned before, I've worked at a camp in Washington for the past two summers. This has been soooo great because we already have some friends up there. So we're not COMPLETELY starting from scratch. Also we're moving in with some family. That family though, consists of a 7 year old girl, a 3 year old girl, and a 5 month baby boy. Not that these are issues, I love each of them in a huge amount, but I haven't lived with kids that young since I was that age. Basically, bye bye sleep and privacy. But, in all honesty, I don't really sleep ANYWAY because, not only am I a high school student, but I'm a high school student taking 8 classes. So I guess it won't be that big of a deal...

But people, I'M MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY! What in the world can be more awesome, terrifying, fun, exciting, awful, and totally crazy?? It'll be great!...

perfect isn't so perfect anymore

You know what I hate? People who are perfect. I HATE people who have this persona of being perfect. It's so freakin annoying. A few things,

1. We are NOT perfect people. We screw up our lives and everyone knows it.

2. You can stand their and pretend like everything is fine and dandy, and roses are red, but all your doing is making other people feel like shit for not being as perfect as you.

3. Stop verbally making other people feel bad for not being perfect! We know you think that you can handle any/everything. But if you really want to make a difference, shut your freakin mouth and stop bragging about your perfect life and that you've never had to deal with something hard.

You know what I love? People who are real. Not necessarily bad ass or screw ups, but people who know where they struggle, embrace their imperfections, and move on in life, learning from their past. I know a couple people like this, and there has never been anything more inspiring to me than someone who knows their not perfect and intends to use their imperfections to better themselves as a whole.

I don't usually like writing about a specific person, so I usually change their name (to protect the innocent), so let's talk about my friend Barbie. She-is-real. Yeah, sometimes she cusses, and she doesn't get uncomfortable when there's a discussion about sex, or bulimia, or drugs, but that's what I love about Barbie. She's REAL! Because these things are REAL, and they EXIST and she chooses to recognize them, rather than ignore them like many people do.

The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.