who am i

This has been a very awkward season in my life. I've been bashed and put down by several people recently. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. It's painful, and hard to deal with, which I don't think I really need to say. But there's something I've learned from it. Something I've always known and always believed, but it's truly been sealed in by this...

I really don't care what people think about me.

If you don't like who I am, cool. I'm not trying to please you. So if there's any confusion about what I want and what my heart looks like, let me clear it up for you all now.

I have a heart of joy. There is so much in this world that makes me happy, I literally can not hold it in. That's why I'm constantly smiling and laughing. Every day I find a new reason to smile and a new reason to be happy about my life. That happiness is what holds me together. Underneath that smile is a heart that fights every day to handle the life around me. Every independent component of my life is so overwhelmingly stressful at this point that all I can do is take a moment each day to put it aside, and just be happy. My heart also wants to be explored. I want people to want to get to know me. Who I am has never changed. I've always loved and hated the same things, and I want people to have a desire to know all that about me. And just as much as I want people to get to know me, I want to get to know everyone. I want to know everyone's name, I want to know your favorite color, favorite food, favorite song, best dance move... literally everything that I can ask you in a five minute conversation, I'm going to ask you. Because I really really want to know you. People are my passion, and I want them to know that I care about their hearts enough to ask about the little things as well as the big things. I'm also really independent. I want to do everything on my own and I don't want to ask for help. I'm really stubborn in that way. I get extremely angry and fired up at injustice, to a point of confrontation. I hate when people hurt my friends, and I would go to battle for them any day of the week. I'm extremely loyal, almost to a fault. I'd never betray a friend and my loyalty would always be with them first. I hate the color orange, and Tuesday is a dumb day.

There you go. This is me, in a nutshell. If there's any of that you don't like, than cool. I wasn't trying to impress you, and I'm certainly not going to change for you.

I hope people don't read this and think I'm writing it out of spite. I have been very hurt recently, and just want to be clear, I am who I am. There's a lot more to me than just this short paragraph. I have a lot of nasty ugly flaws that I'm obviously not going to want to air on the internet. But even if I had included them in this list, they'd still be a part of me. And that isn't going to change, and I'm not going to change to accommodate someone's desires.

So if the question is, "Who am I?", the answer would be "Who I am." No more. No less.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." ~ Colossians 3:1-3

thankful

One of my cousins is doing that 30 days of thankfulness, or whatever it is that's going around right now, and I kinda want to do my own version of that. I'm gonna take this post to talk about the things that I'm thankful for, and if I have more that I think of, I'll write another post... Welcome to the creative mind of someone who is eclectic, and forgetful.

First and foremost, because she just left, and I miss her like crazy, I'm so thankful for this girl! Sammantha Grant has been there for me and supported me more consistently than anyone in my life for the past several years. The picture on the left was from the day we literally decided to be best friends. As teenage-girly as that sounds, it was the first step to one of the greatest friendships in my life. Like most friends, we've had ups and downs and seasons of being less connected than others, but I've never questioned our friendship or thought for even a moment that she wasn't going to be in my life forever. Right now she's living in Arizona. When she left this summer, it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew that I wasn't losing her, but I was so sad that the sweet friendship we had was going to have to stretch across the country till I got to see her again. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her friendship in my life. Love you my fellow California girl! <3 <3

If Samm wasn't moving away and my heart wasn't so sad by that, my sisters would probably be first.  I love them so much. They are truly going to be the only constant people in my life. We share memories, games, stories, experiences, and in all honesty, there's no one who can understand me better than them. I love how brutally honest we are with each other, and how, in times of need, I know I can always turn to them first. I loved the years I had with Sydni, where it was just the two of us, and now I'm loving the time I have with Kayla sharing an apartment. My sisters are the greatest people in my life. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for them.

Next is my mom. My mom is one of the wisest and smartest people I know. It hasn't been easy getting by this year without her constant words of advice and encouragement. But it was because of her and everything she invested into raising me that I've been able to succeed out on my own. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for everything she's done for me. If it wasn't for her, not only would I not be here, but I also wouldn't have had so many incredible opportunities to succeed in life and conquer my fears. My life would have turned out so differently if it wasn't for her constantly fighting for me and giving me everything she was able to. I love you Mom!

It's been a long road reconnecting with my dad. At times it hasn't been easy, but I'm so thankful to finally have a good relationship with him. And I'm so thankful that he was able to be up in Washington when I went to prom. It was a really special day, made even more special by the fact that my dad was able to see me off.

Olivia Anne Hall.... How does one even carry on a regular conversation with this girl and not totally fall in love with her! Olivia is really one in a million. She carries so much joy with her in every step of life. I can count on one hand with 4 fingers left over the number of times I've seen her truly angry. The maturity she has for someone her age is absolutely astounding to me. When I first met Olivia, she'd come running down off a stage to introduce herself to me and say "Oh my gosh, you are so gorgeous! We should be friends!" After that, we were pretty much stuck together forever. Liv and I haven't always had the easiest friendship. But that's the thing with friends that aren't in your life for just a season. When you're friends for life, your friendship will face the trials of a life. And that has definitely been Olivia and I. The trials and struggles each of us have faced independently and as friends have only caused us to grow closer. And I know this is going to be the heartbeat of our friendship forever.

Isabella and I haven't been friends for very long, but she's become like a sister to me. She is truly one of the happiest people I know. Sometimes I struggle in taking life too seriously, but when I'm with her, I always remember that I need to slow down, smile big, and just enjoy today. I'm looking forward to all the memories we're going to have over the coming years!

These kids are amazing! Ellie, Sadie, Malachi, and Jet. I really truly can't describe how much I love all of them. I almost feel bad clumping the 4 of them into one description, because they all couldn't be more different. But I know I have to limit myself, because I could probably dedicate a whole other blog to them alone. It's hard for me to put into words how much I care about them. I have a very different and sweet relationship with each of them that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world! When I said goodbye to them last Christmas before they moved to Colorado, my heart was quite literally broken. So much of my joy and love lies with those kids. I'm so excited to see what each one of them does with their lives! Their future is so amazing and beautiful and watching them grow up so far has been an incredible experience. I'm so sad I can't live closer to them, but I know God has surrounded them with incredible friends in Colorado. But I absolutely can not wait till I get to hug and kiss each one of them again!

Last, but certainly not least, is Emma Grace. I'm actually insanely surprised by our ridiculous lack of pictures together, since we spend an absurd amount of time together. Emma and I have been on and off friends for years, but it wasn't till this summer that we got outrageously close. There's very little in my life I've hidden from her, and despite my failures and annoying 'isms', she is so accepting and loving. I've had a pretty difficult month or so, and she has been so outrageously supportive. I've never once had to question whether or not she'd be there for me. I love her like a sister. Her friendship has kept me laughing and smiling through difficult days, and I know that I can go to her with absolutely anything in the world. I'm sad that I might not get to live with her and that when I go to school next year, I could end up over at Eastern, and not a stone's throw away. But I know that's not going to even touch how close we've become. She's easily become one of my best friends, and I plan on having her in my life forever. <3

As I think of more people that I'm thankful for, I'll probably update this. But for now, these are the most prevalent. I love you all:) Thank for making my life so wonderful!

I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High. Psalm 7:17

done surviving

There’s something I’ve decided recently. I’m so freakin sick of surviving. 

I’ve overcome a lot in my life. Especially in the past year. These 12 months have actually been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve recovered from a broken heart, moved out of my mom’s house, fought depression and anxiety, and I’ve started supporting myself financially. None of this has been easy. In fact, there were times this year that I felt like I wouldn’t be able to succeed at all. Many people around me said they thought I was doing an incredible job. But I knew my heart. And I was struggling.

Last summer I met and dated someone who made me feel like the most incredible person in the world. He fought for me, pursued me, and every day tried to show me how special I was. This was the first romantic relationship that I’d ever had, and I saw a future with this person. But life happened. It didn’t work out, and we went our separate ways. There’s something about the first person you ever fall for. Even if it is a short relationship, and everything in the world said that it wasn’t meant to be, it’s still so hard to get past. I knew, and I know now, that it really truly wasn’t meant to be, but the process of getting to this point and understanding that I will find someone else has been a very long and very painful one. There were times this year when I felt lonely and broken and never felt like there would ever be someone else again. But those were the times when God assured me he had someone. And those were the times, when in complete brokenness and loneliness, I trusted him with my shattered heart, and believed that he’d find the right person to give it to again.

Moving out from my mom’s house was no easy feat. But when is it ever? I wasn’t ready to move out. I wasn’t ready to support myself. But I did. At first, I just tried to pretend like I had it all together. But I didn’t. I started pushing friends away. I felt like if I had less support from people, I could show everyone that I was able to do anything… But that’s just the thing. What the hell was I trying to prove? Who succeeds completely when they’re navigating the world alone for the first time. HA! Pretty much no one. But that’s what I did. I was working insane hours. 3pm-midnight for 6 days a week, while trying to maintain a full school schedule. It was one of the hardest seasons of life I’ve ever had. I rarely slept, and I spent more time doing homework and studying than anything. I had no friends. Well, that sounds a little dramatic. I definitely did have friends, but I wasn’t pursuing, or being pursued, by any of them at that time. Day in, day out, I was alone. I would wake in the morning, go to school, do 3 hours of homework, go to work till midnight, do homework till 4 or 5 in the morning, and do the whole thing over again. I worked weekends and holidays, and I had very little else going on in my head and heart for that entire time. My school work dominated my life. There was a part of me that actually really loved my school work. It was a way for me to hide from the world. But when my school year ended, I had nothing. There was no blanket of stress to hide behind anymore. All I had was time. And way too much of it. So I worked. And I don’t mean I just worked 40 hours. I mean, my standard work schedule was about 50 hours, plus overtime, favors, and sticking around to help out. I think I was working almost 60 hours a week or more. And that was it. I had nothing else I did.

It was then that I realized that I was really unhappy. I’d been this way for a while, but I’d been able to hide it behind my chaotic life. So I finally did what I’d wanted to do for years. I got help. I started seeing a doctor in June. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew that I couldn’t handle it alone. After a couple of visits, we found out that I was clinically depressed with high anxiety. A lot of it stemmed from my fear to disappoint. For the most part, I don’t really care what people think about me. It’s what gives my heart the freedom to do and be whatever I want. But when it comes to my ability to succeed, nothing stresses me out more than the fear that I’m going to disappoint everyone in my life. I wish I had more to say about how I overcame this struggle. But it really honestly just came from a lot of effort. I gave myself more rest, I started pursuing friends who I felt would understand and support what I was going through, and through the right combination of doctors, friends, and faith, I’ve been able to come out of that darkness. It’s still a struggle. There are days that I want to stay in bed all day and cry for no reason, but I don’t allow myself to do that anymore. In stead of spending time at home, alone, doing homework for hours and days on end, I’ll go out to a coffee shop, I’ll wear something cute, and I’ll make myself feel like every small moment in my life is worth living. Because it is.

The financial battle is one that I was going to have to face eventually. But In June, God blessed me with something incredible. I remember the day so well. I was in checkstand 2 at work. I was just checking out my customers as usual. I made a comment to the person I was waiting on at the time that they were buying a lot of candy. She said it was for a meeting at work. So I made a little joke how I wish I worked somewhere where my bosses bought us a bunch of candy for our meetings. I asked her what she did, and she said she was the Store Manager for the Alderwood Apple Store. It was then that we struck up an awesome conversation about how much I loved Apple and I’d always wanted to work there. I said I’d looked into it a couple years ago, but I was too young. She told me that if I applied to her store, she’d give me a referral. I didn’t really know what a referral was, but 2 weeks later, I submitted an application, and I got a call the next day. After a phone interview for Alderwood, and 5 interviews at Bellevue, i was hired as a Specialist for the Bellevue Square Apple Store. After I got hired, and went through the training, I realized that the woman who referred me was actually a much bigger deal than I’d thought. And that the only reason I’d gotten the job was because SHE was the person who referred me. Everybody would look at me in awe when I’d say that she got me the job. It was after all this that I realized just how much God was looking out for me. If I hadn’t worked that one day in June, I would never have met her, and I wouldn’t have been given the fantastic opportunity of working for one of the greatest companies in the world.

I realize that in this post, I’ve talked about a lot of really difficult and sad things. But I don’t want this to be a post about how bad my life is, or was. I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’m not looking for people to chime in on what I should have or should now do. I want this to be a celebration post. Going back to the first thing I wrote, I’m so freaking sick of surviving. I’ve gasped for breath at the surface of a deep and never ending ocean of pain for the past year. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not surviving anymore. I’m going to live.

I’m going to live my life. And I’m not going to live for people, or to please people, but I’m going to live with people. I’m going to live with the incredible friends that have been there for me for years, and the friends that I’ve become close with in the past 2 months at Apple. God’s blessed me with so much. And although there are times when I forget just how many people are there for me, I’ve never forgotten that he’s there for me.

On those dark days when I was under the covers crying, sitting in my car thinking about how much my heart hurt, or alone in a large room of people realizing just how few people really knew I was there, I always knew He was there. I didn’t always talk to Him. But He was there. He’s always been there when I was the most broken. He’s the only person I’ve ever been able to count on supporting my broken heart, and taking care of me in literally every way I need to be taken care of. He’s proven himself to me time and time again. And never again am I gonna think I have to do everything alone. Because I’m not alone.

In essence, I’m done surviving. I’m ready to start living.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Revelations 7:16-17