done surviving

There’s something I’ve decided recently. I’m so freakin sick of surviving. 

I’ve overcome a lot in my life. Especially in the past year. These 12 months have actually been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve recovered from a broken heart, moved out of my mom’s house, fought depression and anxiety, and I’ve started supporting myself financially. None of this has been easy. In fact, there were times this year that I felt like I wouldn’t be able to succeed at all. Many people around me said they thought I was doing an incredible job. But I knew my heart. And I was struggling.

Last summer I met and dated someone who made me feel like the most incredible person in the world. He fought for me, pursued me, and every day tried to show me how special I was. This was the first romantic relationship that I’d ever had, and I saw a future with this person. But life happened. It didn’t work out, and we went our separate ways. There’s something about the first person you ever fall for. Even if it is a short relationship, and everything in the world said that it wasn’t meant to be, it’s still so hard to get past. I knew, and I know now, that it really truly wasn’t meant to be, but the process of getting to this point and understanding that I will find someone else has been a very long and very painful one. There were times this year when I felt lonely and broken and never felt like there would ever be someone else again. But those were the times when God assured me he had someone. And those were the times, when in complete brokenness and loneliness, I trusted him with my shattered heart, and believed that he’d find the right person to give it to again.

Moving out from my mom’s house was no easy feat. But when is it ever? I wasn’t ready to move out. I wasn’t ready to support myself. But I did. At first, I just tried to pretend like I had it all together. But I didn’t. I started pushing friends away. I felt like if I had less support from people, I could show everyone that I was able to do anything… But that’s just the thing. What the hell was I trying to prove? Who succeeds completely when they’re navigating the world alone for the first time. HA! Pretty much no one. But that’s what I did. I was working insane hours. 3pm-midnight for 6 days a week, while trying to maintain a full school schedule. It was one of the hardest seasons of life I’ve ever had. I rarely slept, and I spent more time doing homework and studying than anything. I had no friends. Well, that sounds a little dramatic. I definitely did have friends, but I wasn’t pursuing, or being pursued, by any of them at that time. Day in, day out, I was alone. I would wake in the morning, go to school, do 3 hours of homework, go to work till midnight, do homework till 4 or 5 in the morning, and do the whole thing over again. I worked weekends and holidays, and I had very little else going on in my head and heart for that entire time. My school work dominated my life. There was a part of me that actually really loved my school work. It was a way for me to hide from the world. But when my school year ended, I had nothing. There was no blanket of stress to hide behind anymore. All I had was time. And way too much of it. So I worked. And I don’t mean I just worked 40 hours. I mean, my standard work schedule was about 50 hours, plus overtime, favors, and sticking around to help out. I think I was working almost 60 hours a week or more. And that was it. I had nothing else I did.

It was then that I realized that I was really unhappy. I’d been this way for a while, but I’d been able to hide it behind my chaotic life. So I finally did what I’d wanted to do for years. I got help. I started seeing a doctor in June. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew that I couldn’t handle it alone. After a couple of visits, we found out that I was clinically depressed with high anxiety. A lot of it stemmed from my fear to disappoint. For the most part, I don’t really care what people think about me. It’s what gives my heart the freedom to do and be whatever I want. But when it comes to my ability to succeed, nothing stresses me out more than the fear that I’m going to disappoint everyone in my life. I wish I had more to say about how I overcame this struggle. But it really honestly just came from a lot of effort. I gave myself more rest, I started pursuing friends who I felt would understand and support what I was going through, and through the right combination of doctors, friends, and faith, I’ve been able to come out of that darkness. It’s still a struggle. There are days that I want to stay in bed all day and cry for no reason, but I don’t allow myself to do that anymore. In stead of spending time at home, alone, doing homework for hours and days on end, I’ll go out to a coffee shop, I’ll wear something cute, and I’ll make myself feel like every small moment in my life is worth living. Because it is.

The financial battle is one that I was going to have to face eventually. But In June, God blessed me with something incredible. I remember the day so well. I was in checkstand 2 at work. I was just checking out my customers as usual. I made a comment to the person I was waiting on at the time that they were buying a lot of candy. She said it was for a meeting at work. So I made a little joke how I wish I worked somewhere where my bosses bought us a bunch of candy for our meetings. I asked her what she did, and she said she was the Store Manager for the Alderwood Apple Store. It was then that we struck up an awesome conversation about how much I loved Apple and I’d always wanted to work there. I said I’d looked into it a couple years ago, but I was too young. She told me that if I applied to her store, she’d give me a referral. I didn’t really know what a referral was, but 2 weeks later, I submitted an application, and I got a call the next day. After a phone interview for Alderwood, and 5 interviews at Bellevue, i was hired as a Specialist for the Bellevue Square Apple Store. After I got hired, and went through the training, I realized that the woman who referred me was actually a much bigger deal than I’d thought. And that the only reason I’d gotten the job was because SHE was the person who referred me. Everybody would look at me in awe when I’d say that she got me the job. It was after all this that I realized just how much God was looking out for me. If I hadn’t worked that one day in June, I would never have met her, and I wouldn’t have been given the fantastic opportunity of working for one of the greatest companies in the world.

I realize that in this post, I’ve talked about a lot of really difficult and sad things. But I don’t want this to be a post about how bad my life is, or was. I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’m not looking for people to chime in on what I should have or should now do. I want this to be a celebration post. Going back to the first thing I wrote, I’m so freaking sick of surviving. I’ve gasped for breath at the surface of a deep and never ending ocean of pain for the past year. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not surviving anymore. I’m going to live.

I’m going to live my life. And I’m not going to live for people, or to please people, but I’m going to live with people. I’m going to live with the incredible friends that have been there for me for years, and the friends that I’ve become close with in the past 2 months at Apple. God’s blessed me with so much. And although there are times when I forget just how many people are there for me, I’ve never forgotten that he’s there for me.

On those dark days when I was under the covers crying, sitting in my car thinking about how much my heart hurt, or alone in a large room of people realizing just how few people really knew I was there, I always knew He was there. I didn’t always talk to Him. But He was there. He’s always been there when I was the most broken. He’s the only person I’ve ever been able to count on supporting my broken heart, and taking care of me in literally every way I need to be taken care of. He’s proven himself to me time and time again. And never again am I gonna think I have to do everything alone. Because I’m not alone.

In essence, I’m done surviving. I’m ready to start living.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Revelations 7:16-17