I'm weak.
If nothing else, this is something that I can walk away knowing very well. I've always been told that I have a lot of strength, and for everything I've been through in my life, the strength I have is more than most people ever acquire. But if all the dating I've done recently has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to things of the physical human desire, I fail.
Over the past 3 or 4 months, I've dated or had short flings with 3 different guys. They were all extremely different, but I couldn't help falling for each of them. In 2 out of 3 of these situations, it ended with the guy just straight up ignoring me, and never telling me what he felt, wanted, or whether or not he even liked me at all anymore. It just sort of, ended. No warning. No reason. Which brings me to the first thing I learned.
For every person, there's one thing that means more than anything in a relationship. There's one thing that they have to have in order to feel fulfilled, loved, and happy. I didn't realize this when I started dating, and I didn't know what it is that I wanted in a relationship. I didn't know what my "one thing" was. But I do now. My biggest thing is communication. Whoever I date, I want them to reach out to me. I want them to want to be with me. I want them to want to hear from me, talk to me, hear my heart, and tell me what's in their's. I can't be with someone who keeps themselves too incredibly guarded. I need to be able to know what's in the heart of the person I love, and I need them to have a real desire to know what's in mine, both in the good times, and the bad.
The only guy I dated in this time period that I had absolutely no doubt about at all, had some outrageous doubt about me. Everything was going so perfect for us, until one day, it just didn't. Every doubt he'd ever had in his life started to cloud our relationship. He stopped talking to me, he started avoiding me, and there was never a true "ending" to our little relationship. That has probably been the hardest thing to get over. When someone doesn't even give you an explanation for their heartless behavior, it forces your heart into the dust. You never really have closure. And when you date someone that you have no doubt about, and then all of a sudden it ends with no reason or explanation, you're never truly able to move on.
The last guy/situation I want to talk about is the one that probably broke me most of all. In some crazy way, I think we both knew it wasn't going to work out from the beginning. There were so many things that could go wrong at any moment, it was like a road lined with bombs that were set to go off at any time. It's almost as if there was no hope. But that didn't stop us. I don't know what it is about him, but I couldn't help it. I fell for him so quickly. Every coherent, important, logical thought I'd ever had about a relationship went out the door. He'd treated me better than any guy I'd ever gone out with before. One part of me knew I had to stop because there was no way it would ever work, but the other part of me tried so hard to ignore that reality completely.
It was one of those situations that ended with him ignoring me, and I'm not gonna lie, it absolutely destroyed me. It left me in a pool of tears and shattered wishes. I'd wished everyday we were "together" that everything would somehow work in the end. That every outrageous miracle that had to happen in order for us to be together, would happen. I never told him how badly I wanted him to stay, I'd just hoped that God would make it happen, some way, some how. But it didn't. I couldn't figure out what I'd done that caused him to push me away. The easiest thing to believe is he was just a jerk and I misjudged his character from the beginning. But some part of me thinks it was just easier that way. I mean, it wasn't easier for me at all. Silence breaks me. But maybe for him, avoiding a real "ending", was just easier. But I'm never gonna know.
All in all, dating is really hard. I don't like it at all. When things go well, it's absolutely effortless. It's like the whole world is rooting for your happiness. It's an amazing feeling that I was able to experience. But once things start to go South, nothing sucks more. It's this roller coaster of unexpected ups and downs of strong emotion that I hate more than anything. The happiness is impeccable and it's something I can say very honestly that I look forward to with my whole heart, but dating for the simple sake of dating is not something I think I ever want to do.
Each of these guys helped me understand a little more of who I am and what I want. I'm sad that the two that ended poorly weren't able to go out on a more mutual and understanding note. But going forward, I'm going to be so grateful to what each of them brought to my life. When I date in the future, these lessons are going to severely dictate the choices I make, and all in a good way.
If nothing else, this is something that I can walk away knowing very well. I've always been told that I have a lot of strength, and for everything I've been through in my life, the strength I have is more than most people ever acquire. But if all the dating I've done recently has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to things of the physical human desire, I fail.
Over the past 3 or 4 months, I've dated or had short flings with 3 different guys. They were all extremely different, but I couldn't help falling for each of them. In 2 out of 3 of these situations, it ended with the guy just straight up ignoring me, and never telling me what he felt, wanted, or whether or not he even liked me at all anymore. It just sort of, ended. No warning. No reason. Which brings me to the first thing I learned.
For every person, there's one thing that means more than anything in a relationship. There's one thing that they have to have in order to feel fulfilled, loved, and happy. I didn't realize this when I started dating, and I didn't know what it is that I wanted in a relationship. I didn't know what my "one thing" was. But I do now. My biggest thing is communication. Whoever I date, I want them to reach out to me. I want them to want to be with me. I want them to want to hear from me, talk to me, hear my heart, and tell me what's in their's. I can't be with someone who keeps themselves too incredibly guarded. I need to be able to know what's in the heart of the person I love, and I need them to have a real desire to know what's in mine, both in the good times, and the bad.
One of the guys I was "with" in the past couple months was absolutely perfect. We never really dated. We had sort of a vague fling for a couple of days, but I was able to learn some incredible lessons. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He blew me away. We had been friends before, so I already knew enough about him to know that everything about his heart and personality were what I wanted in my future husband. I was really disappointed that it didn't work out. We were easily able to go back to being friends, which made me really happy. But I was able to walk away with an amazingly accurate image of the guy I wanted to be with.
The only guy I dated in this time period that I had absolutely no doubt about at all, had some outrageous doubt about me. Everything was going so perfect for us, until one day, it just didn't. Every doubt he'd ever had in his life started to cloud our relationship. He stopped talking to me, he started avoiding me, and there was never a true "ending" to our little relationship. That has probably been the hardest thing to get over. When someone doesn't even give you an explanation for their heartless behavior, it forces your heart into the dust. You never really have closure. And when you date someone that you have no doubt about, and then all of a sudden it ends with no reason or explanation, you're never truly able to move on.
The last guy/situation I want to talk about is the one that probably broke me most of all. In some crazy way, I think we both knew it wasn't going to work out from the beginning. There were so many things that could go wrong at any moment, it was like a road lined with bombs that were set to go off at any time. It's almost as if there was no hope. But that didn't stop us. I don't know what it is about him, but I couldn't help it. I fell for him so quickly. Every coherent, important, logical thought I'd ever had about a relationship went out the door. He'd treated me better than any guy I'd ever gone out with before. One part of me knew I had to stop because there was no way it would ever work, but the other part of me tried so hard to ignore that reality completely.
It was one of those situations that ended with him ignoring me, and I'm not gonna lie, it absolutely destroyed me. It left me in a pool of tears and shattered wishes. I'd wished everyday we were "together" that everything would somehow work in the end. That every outrageous miracle that had to happen in order for us to be together, would happen. I never told him how badly I wanted him to stay, I'd just hoped that God would make it happen, some way, some how. But it didn't. I couldn't figure out what I'd done that caused him to push me away. The easiest thing to believe is he was just a jerk and I misjudged his character from the beginning. But some part of me thinks it was just easier that way. I mean, it wasn't easier for me at all. Silence breaks me. But maybe for him, avoiding a real "ending", was just easier. But I'm never gonna know.
All in all, dating is really hard. I don't like it at all. When things go well, it's absolutely effortless. It's like the whole world is rooting for your happiness. It's an amazing feeling that I was able to experience. But once things start to go South, nothing sucks more. It's this roller coaster of unexpected ups and downs of strong emotion that I hate more than anything. The happiness is impeccable and it's something I can say very honestly that I look forward to with my whole heart, but dating for the simple sake of dating is not something I think I ever want to do.
Each of these guys helped me understand a little more of who I am and what I want. I'm sad that the two that ended poorly weren't able to go out on a more mutual and understanding note. But going forward, I'm going to be so grateful to what each of them brought to my life. When I date in the future, these lessons are going to severely dictate the choices I make, and all in a good way.
Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
~ Ephesians 4:2-3
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