what i've learned from dating

I'm weak.

If nothing else, this is something that I can walk away knowing very well. I've always been told that I have a lot of strength, and for everything I've been through in my life, the strength I have is more than most people ever acquire. But if all the dating I've done recently has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to things of the physical human desire, I fail.

Over the past 3 or 4 months, I've dated or had short flings with 3 different guys. They were all extremely different, but I couldn't help falling for each of them. In 2 out of 3 of these situations, it ended with the guy just straight up ignoring me, and never telling me what he felt, wanted, or whether or not he even liked me at all anymore. It just sort of, ended. No warning. No reason. Which brings me to the first thing I learned.

For every person, there's one thing that means more than anything in a relationship. There's one thing that they have to have in order to feel fulfilled, loved, and happy. I didn't realize this when I started dating, and I didn't know what it is that I wanted in a relationship. I didn't know what my "one thing" was. But I do now. My biggest thing is communication. Whoever I date, I want them to reach out to me. I want them to want to be with me. I want them to want to hear from me, talk to me, hear my heart, and tell me what's in their's. I can't be with someone who keeps themselves too incredibly guarded. I need to be able to know what's in the heart of the person I love, and I need them to have a real desire to know what's in mine, both in the good times, and the bad.

One of the guys I was "with" in the past couple months was absolutely perfect. We never really dated. We had sort of a vague fling for a couple of days, but I was able to learn some incredible lessons. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He blew me away. We had been friends before, so I already knew enough about him to know that everything about his heart and personality were what I wanted in my future husband. I was really disappointed that it didn't work out. We were easily able to go back to being friends, which made me really happy. But I was able to walk away with an amazingly accurate image of the guy I wanted to be with. 

The only guy I dated in this time period that I had absolutely no doubt about at all, had some outrageous doubt about me. Everything was going so perfect for us, until one day, it just didn't. Every doubt he'd ever had in his life started to cloud our relationship. He stopped talking to me, he started avoiding me, and there was never a true "ending" to our little relationship. That has probably been the hardest thing to get over. When someone doesn't even give you an explanation for their heartless behavior, it forces your heart into the dust. You never really have closure. And when you date someone that you have no doubt about, and then all of a sudden it ends with no reason or explanation, you're never truly able to move on.

The last guy/situation I want to talk about is the one that probably broke me most of all. In some crazy way, I think we both knew it wasn't going to work out from the beginning. There were so many things that could go wrong at any moment, it was like a road lined with bombs that were set to go off at any time. It's almost as if there was no hope. But that didn't stop us. I don't know what it is about him, but I couldn't help it. I fell for him so quickly. Every coherent, important, logical thought I'd ever had about a relationship went out the door. He'd treated me better than any guy I'd ever gone out with before. One part of me knew I had to stop because there was no way it would ever work, but the other part of me tried so hard to ignore that reality completely.

It was one of those situations that ended with him ignoring me, and I'm not gonna lie, it absolutely destroyed me. It left me in a pool of tears and shattered wishes. I'd wished everyday we were "together" that everything would somehow work in the end. That every outrageous miracle that had to happen in order for us to be together, would happen. I never told him how badly I wanted him to stay, I'd just hoped that God would make it happen, some way, some how. But it didn't. I couldn't figure out what I'd done that caused him to push me away. The easiest thing to believe is he was just a jerk and I misjudged his character from the beginning. But some part of me thinks it was just easier that way. I mean, it wasn't easier for me at all. Silence breaks me. But maybe for him, avoiding a real "ending", was just easier. But I'm never gonna know.

All in all, dating is really hard. I don't like it at all. When things go well, it's absolutely effortless. It's like the whole world is rooting for your happiness. It's an amazing feeling that I was able to experience. But once things start to go South, nothing sucks more. It's this roller coaster of unexpected ups and downs of strong emotion that I hate more than anything. The happiness is impeccable and it's something I can say very honestly that I look forward to with my whole heart, but dating for the simple sake of dating is not something I think I ever want to do.

Each of these guys helped me understand a little more of who I am and what I want. I'm sad that the two that ended poorly weren't able to go out on a more mutual and understanding note. But going forward, I'm going to be so grateful to what each of them brought to my life. When I date in the future, these lessons are going to severely dictate the choices I make, and all in a good way.

Be completely humble and gentle; 

be patient, bearing with one another in love.  

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 

~ Ephesians 4:2-3

who am i

This has been a very awkward season in my life. I've been bashed and put down by several people recently. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. It's painful, and hard to deal with, which I don't think I really need to say. But there's something I've learned from it. Something I've always known and always believed, but it's truly been sealed in by this...

I really don't care what people think about me.

If you don't like who I am, cool. I'm not trying to please you. So if there's any confusion about what I want and what my heart looks like, let me clear it up for you all now.

I have a heart of joy. There is so much in this world that makes me happy, I literally can not hold it in. That's why I'm constantly smiling and laughing. Every day I find a new reason to smile and a new reason to be happy about my life. That happiness is what holds me together. Underneath that smile is a heart that fights every day to handle the life around me. Every independent component of my life is so overwhelmingly stressful at this point that all I can do is take a moment each day to put it aside, and just be happy. My heart also wants to be explored. I want people to want to get to know me. Who I am has never changed. I've always loved and hated the same things, and I want people to have a desire to know all that about me. And just as much as I want people to get to know me, I want to get to know everyone. I want to know everyone's name, I want to know your favorite color, favorite food, favorite song, best dance move... literally everything that I can ask you in a five minute conversation, I'm going to ask you. Because I really really want to know you. People are my passion, and I want them to know that I care about their hearts enough to ask about the little things as well as the big things. I'm also really independent. I want to do everything on my own and I don't want to ask for help. I'm really stubborn in that way. I get extremely angry and fired up at injustice, to a point of confrontation. I hate when people hurt my friends, and I would go to battle for them any day of the week. I'm extremely loyal, almost to a fault. I'd never betray a friend and my loyalty would always be with them first. I hate the color orange, and Tuesday is a dumb day.

There you go. This is me, in a nutshell. If there's any of that you don't like, than cool. I wasn't trying to impress you, and I'm certainly not going to change for you.

I hope people don't read this and think I'm writing it out of spite. I have been very hurt recently, and just want to be clear, I am who I am. There's a lot more to me than just this short paragraph. I have a lot of nasty ugly flaws that I'm obviously not going to want to air on the internet. But even if I had included them in this list, they'd still be a part of me. And that isn't going to change, and I'm not going to change to accommodate someone's desires.

So if the question is, "Who am I?", the answer would be "Who I am." No more. No less.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." ~ Colossians 3:1-3

thankful

One of my cousins is doing that 30 days of thankfulness, or whatever it is that's going around right now, and I kinda want to do my own version of that. I'm gonna take this post to talk about the things that I'm thankful for, and if I have more that I think of, I'll write another post... Welcome to the creative mind of someone who is eclectic, and forgetful.

First and foremost, because she just left, and I miss her like crazy, I'm so thankful for this girl! Sammantha Grant has been there for me and supported me more consistently than anyone in my life for the past several years. The picture on the left was from the day we literally decided to be best friends. As teenage-girly as that sounds, it was the first step to one of the greatest friendships in my life. Like most friends, we've had ups and downs and seasons of being less connected than others, but I've never questioned our friendship or thought for even a moment that she wasn't going to be in my life forever. Right now she's living in Arizona. When she left this summer, it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew that I wasn't losing her, but I was so sad that the sweet friendship we had was going to have to stretch across the country till I got to see her again. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her friendship in my life. Love you my fellow California girl! <3 <3

If Samm wasn't moving away and my heart wasn't so sad by that, my sisters would probably be first.  I love them so much. They are truly going to be the only constant people in my life. We share memories, games, stories, experiences, and in all honesty, there's no one who can understand me better than them. I love how brutally honest we are with each other, and how, in times of need, I know I can always turn to them first. I loved the years I had with Sydni, where it was just the two of us, and now I'm loving the time I have with Kayla sharing an apartment. My sisters are the greatest people in my life. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for them.

Next is my mom. My mom is one of the wisest and smartest people I know. It hasn't been easy getting by this year without her constant words of advice and encouragement. But it was because of her and everything she invested into raising me that I've been able to succeed out on my own. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for everything she's done for me. If it wasn't for her, not only would I not be here, but I also wouldn't have had so many incredible opportunities to succeed in life and conquer my fears. My life would have turned out so differently if it wasn't for her constantly fighting for me and giving me everything she was able to. I love you Mom!

It's been a long road reconnecting with my dad. At times it hasn't been easy, but I'm so thankful to finally have a good relationship with him. And I'm so thankful that he was able to be up in Washington when I went to prom. It was a really special day, made even more special by the fact that my dad was able to see me off.

Olivia Anne Hall.... How does one even carry on a regular conversation with this girl and not totally fall in love with her! Olivia is really one in a million. She carries so much joy with her in every step of life. I can count on one hand with 4 fingers left over the number of times I've seen her truly angry. The maturity she has for someone her age is absolutely astounding to me. When I first met Olivia, she'd come running down off a stage to introduce herself to me and say "Oh my gosh, you are so gorgeous! We should be friends!" After that, we were pretty much stuck together forever. Liv and I haven't always had the easiest friendship. But that's the thing with friends that aren't in your life for just a season. When you're friends for life, your friendship will face the trials of a life. And that has definitely been Olivia and I. The trials and struggles each of us have faced independently and as friends have only caused us to grow closer. And I know this is going to be the heartbeat of our friendship forever.

Isabella and I haven't been friends for very long, but she's become like a sister to me. She is truly one of the happiest people I know. Sometimes I struggle in taking life too seriously, but when I'm with her, I always remember that I need to slow down, smile big, and just enjoy today. I'm looking forward to all the memories we're going to have over the coming years!

These kids are amazing! Ellie, Sadie, Malachi, and Jet. I really truly can't describe how much I love all of them. I almost feel bad clumping the 4 of them into one description, because they all couldn't be more different. But I know I have to limit myself, because I could probably dedicate a whole other blog to them alone. It's hard for me to put into words how much I care about them. I have a very different and sweet relationship with each of them that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world! When I said goodbye to them last Christmas before they moved to Colorado, my heart was quite literally broken. So much of my joy and love lies with those kids. I'm so excited to see what each one of them does with their lives! Their future is so amazing and beautiful and watching them grow up so far has been an incredible experience. I'm so sad I can't live closer to them, but I know God has surrounded them with incredible friends in Colorado. But I absolutely can not wait till I get to hug and kiss each one of them again!

Last, but certainly not least, is Emma Grace. I'm actually insanely surprised by our ridiculous lack of pictures together, since we spend an absurd amount of time together. Emma and I have been on and off friends for years, but it wasn't till this summer that we got outrageously close. There's very little in my life I've hidden from her, and despite my failures and annoying 'isms', she is so accepting and loving. I've had a pretty difficult month or so, and she has been so outrageously supportive. I've never once had to question whether or not she'd be there for me. I love her like a sister. Her friendship has kept me laughing and smiling through difficult days, and I know that I can go to her with absolutely anything in the world. I'm sad that I might not get to live with her and that when I go to school next year, I could end up over at Eastern, and not a stone's throw away. But I know that's not going to even touch how close we've become. She's easily become one of my best friends, and I plan on having her in my life forever. <3

As I think of more people that I'm thankful for, I'll probably update this. But for now, these are the most prevalent. I love you all:) Thank for making my life so wonderful!

I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High. Psalm 7:17

done surviving

There’s something I’ve decided recently. I’m so freakin sick of surviving. 

I’ve overcome a lot in my life. Especially in the past year. These 12 months have actually been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve recovered from a broken heart, moved out of my mom’s house, fought depression and anxiety, and I’ve started supporting myself financially. None of this has been easy. In fact, there were times this year that I felt like I wouldn’t be able to succeed at all. Many people around me said they thought I was doing an incredible job. But I knew my heart. And I was struggling.

Last summer I met and dated someone who made me feel like the most incredible person in the world. He fought for me, pursued me, and every day tried to show me how special I was. This was the first romantic relationship that I’d ever had, and I saw a future with this person. But life happened. It didn’t work out, and we went our separate ways. There’s something about the first person you ever fall for. Even if it is a short relationship, and everything in the world said that it wasn’t meant to be, it’s still so hard to get past. I knew, and I know now, that it really truly wasn’t meant to be, but the process of getting to this point and understanding that I will find someone else has been a very long and very painful one. There were times this year when I felt lonely and broken and never felt like there would ever be someone else again. But those were the times when God assured me he had someone. And those were the times, when in complete brokenness and loneliness, I trusted him with my shattered heart, and believed that he’d find the right person to give it to again.

Moving out from my mom’s house was no easy feat. But when is it ever? I wasn’t ready to move out. I wasn’t ready to support myself. But I did. At first, I just tried to pretend like I had it all together. But I didn’t. I started pushing friends away. I felt like if I had less support from people, I could show everyone that I was able to do anything… But that’s just the thing. What the hell was I trying to prove? Who succeeds completely when they’re navigating the world alone for the first time. HA! Pretty much no one. But that’s what I did. I was working insane hours. 3pm-midnight for 6 days a week, while trying to maintain a full school schedule. It was one of the hardest seasons of life I’ve ever had. I rarely slept, and I spent more time doing homework and studying than anything. I had no friends. Well, that sounds a little dramatic. I definitely did have friends, but I wasn’t pursuing, or being pursued, by any of them at that time. Day in, day out, I was alone. I would wake in the morning, go to school, do 3 hours of homework, go to work till midnight, do homework till 4 or 5 in the morning, and do the whole thing over again. I worked weekends and holidays, and I had very little else going on in my head and heart for that entire time. My school work dominated my life. There was a part of me that actually really loved my school work. It was a way for me to hide from the world. But when my school year ended, I had nothing. There was no blanket of stress to hide behind anymore. All I had was time. And way too much of it. So I worked. And I don’t mean I just worked 40 hours. I mean, my standard work schedule was about 50 hours, plus overtime, favors, and sticking around to help out. I think I was working almost 60 hours a week or more. And that was it. I had nothing else I did.

It was then that I realized that I was really unhappy. I’d been this way for a while, but I’d been able to hide it behind my chaotic life. So I finally did what I’d wanted to do for years. I got help. I started seeing a doctor in June. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew that I couldn’t handle it alone. After a couple of visits, we found out that I was clinically depressed with high anxiety. A lot of it stemmed from my fear to disappoint. For the most part, I don’t really care what people think about me. It’s what gives my heart the freedom to do and be whatever I want. But when it comes to my ability to succeed, nothing stresses me out more than the fear that I’m going to disappoint everyone in my life. I wish I had more to say about how I overcame this struggle. But it really honestly just came from a lot of effort. I gave myself more rest, I started pursuing friends who I felt would understand and support what I was going through, and through the right combination of doctors, friends, and faith, I’ve been able to come out of that darkness. It’s still a struggle. There are days that I want to stay in bed all day and cry for no reason, but I don’t allow myself to do that anymore. In stead of spending time at home, alone, doing homework for hours and days on end, I’ll go out to a coffee shop, I’ll wear something cute, and I’ll make myself feel like every small moment in my life is worth living. Because it is.

The financial battle is one that I was going to have to face eventually. But In June, God blessed me with something incredible. I remember the day so well. I was in checkstand 2 at work. I was just checking out my customers as usual. I made a comment to the person I was waiting on at the time that they were buying a lot of candy. She said it was for a meeting at work. So I made a little joke how I wish I worked somewhere where my bosses bought us a bunch of candy for our meetings. I asked her what she did, and she said she was the Store Manager for the Alderwood Apple Store. It was then that we struck up an awesome conversation about how much I loved Apple and I’d always wanted to work there. I said I’d looked into it a couple years ago, but I was too young. She told me that if I applied to her store, she’d give me a referral. I didn’t really know what a referral was, but 2 weeks later, I submitted an application, and I got a call the next day. After a phone interview for Alderwood, and 5 interviews at Bellevue, i was hired as a Specialist for the Bellevue Square Apple Store. After I got hired, and went through the training, I realized that the woman who referred me was actually a much bigger deal than I’d thought. And that the only reason I’d gotten the job was because SHE was the person who referred me. Everybody would look at me in awe when I’d say that she got me the job. It was after all this that I realized just how much God was looking out for me. If I hadn’t worked that one day in June, I would never have met her, and I wouldn’t have been given the fantastic opportunity of working for one of the greatest companies in the world.

I realize that in this post, I’ve talked about a lot of really difficult and sad things. But I don’t want this to be a post about how bad my life is, or was. I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’m not looking for people to chime in on what I should have or should now do. I want this to be a celebration post. Going back to the first thing I wrote, I’m so freaking sick of surviving. I’ve gasped for breath at the surface of a deep and never ending ocean of pain for the past year. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not surviving anymore. I’m going to live.

I’m going to live my life. And I’m not going to live for people, or to please people, but I’m going to live with people. I’m going to live with the incredible friends that have been there for me for years, and the friends that I’ve become close with in the past 2 months at Apple. God’s blessed me with so much. And although there are times when I forget just how many people are there for me, I’ve never forgotten that he’s there for me.

On those dark days when I was under the covers crying, sitting in my car thinking about how much my heart hurt, or alone in a large room of people realizing just how few people really knew I was there, I always knew He was there. I didn’t always talk to Him. But He was there. He’s always been there when I was the most broken. He’s the only person I’ve ever been able to count on supporting my broken heart, and taking care of me in literally every way I need to be taken care of. He’s proven himself to me time and time again. And never again am I gonna think I have to do everything alone. Because I’m not alone.

In essence, I’m done surviving. I’m ready to start living.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Revelations 7:16-17

a new title and a new look

For those of you who have read my blog before, you know that this isn't it. For the past three years, this very blog went by a different title, with a different design, and a different domain. First off, I just want to thank the incredible Elizabeth Rolf for re-designing my blog! I worked with Lizzy several years ago to create my blog for the first time. Her incredible work lasted me these 3 years. Check out some of her work and if you need any designy ideas, she's definitely your girl:)

The purpose behind the name change had a lot to do with my place in life right now. One Day seemed very suiting. Because one day, is all I have. It's all any of us have really. But right now, for me, it's all I have. Every day is new, every day is different, and every day stands alone. My days are what I want to talk about. Each is so unique and can not be done over again. I'm seeing so much and experiencing so many new things that for the first time in my life, I literally can not keep it to myself.

But this evening I just wanted to take the time to thank Elizabeth Rolf again for her amazing work. Feel free to click around, read my new About Maddie and About This Blog. Don't forget that if you're going to search my blog, I'm now under the URL maddiechaney.blogspot.com, and the title One Day. I'll be writing more interesting posts in the near future, but right this second, I'm heading to put more non-human colors in my hair.

Peaces friends:)

a world away from this

I hardly know what to write. My world is spinning in a tornado of color all around me. And there I am. Standing in the middle. Lost, clueless, and confused. As usual. I see things that are beautiful. That catch my breathe. But in an instant, they're gone. And the chaos around me never takes that form again. It's strange and confusing, but oh so beautiful at the same time. At moments, it all moves in slow motion. And it's in those moments that I see things I never saw before. Things I never imagined. How do I understand this madness? How do I even accept the fact that I'm standing in it? That it's my world?

These questions I can never answer. But I move on. As I face the inevitable world that lays before me, that tornado of color is never far from my thoughts. Within it is where I feel safe. It is where I feel comfortable. But nobody understands. Nobody sees what I see. God is fearfully beautiful in those moments. When it's only Him and I, and no one else. Just the fact that no one understands isolates us into a beautiful world where we have the freedom to make entirely our own.

But then I need to return. Life continues, and nobody realizes where I'm coming from. Nobody understands that I walk in a garden of the most entrancing beauty every morning. I have to eat. I have to sleep. I talk to people at church, in the store, and none of them know. Why can't they know? Why can't they see it too?

But my world is my world, and I simply realize that everyone's secret place is different. However, I always selfishly feel that mine is the best.

a day in india

Woke up early today. But early isn't that early when the world around you starts buzzing a few hours before. I get up and walk out to the living room that doubles as a dinning room. Nicole's up, naturally. But she's doing her own thing. I walk over to the window and look down at the courtyard. Deb and Val are sitting at a table talking. I turn around and sit down on the couch trying to decide what I should do first. After a few minutes of exhaustion, I decide on a shower. I go through the mundane routine of morning preparation. Choosing an outfit has never been easier. With only 5 choices, life feels pretty simple. After I've woken up a bit, I grab my coffee cup and go downstairs to the restaurant to get some breakfast.

 I fill my cup with the delicious chai that's available everyday. I think in the back of my head how Liv and Samm would be loosing their minds without coffee for two months, and I smile to myself. I fill my plate with the different foreign foods that are available. Seeing that Emily was already down there, I head her way and sit across from her and eat. Talking through an array of various topics, she finishes first and heads up to her room to finish getting read for the day. A few minute later Lilian and Sarah appear. After a little talking I finish my food and head back upstairs myself. By this time our room is buzzing with the familiar witty chatter among Nicole, Sydni, my Mom, and I. I kill time listening to some worship music, and filling myself spiritually for the day.

Today's the first day for the Balwadi school, so we head downstairs around 9:30 to wait for Pastor Emmanuel to pick up Nicole, Grace, Mona, and myself. On the drive to the school, all the sites are the same. By this time, the fact that the Indian culture is a complete opposite from our own has become a numb reality. I stare once again at all the pain that lines every inch of the streets, and my compassionate heart starts exploding inside my chest. We reach the destination, and walk through 10 minutes of slums till we reach Pastor Emmanuel's house. Inside are almost 50 two to five year old kids. Some are startled by our arrival. All you see are dozens of beautiful brown eyes staring at you everywhere you go. A few kids break out in sobs because they've never seen white people before, and though they are intrigued and interested, they're also terrified. This range of emotion overcomes them, so they simply cry. We take our seats and participate in the songs the kids are singing. We spend about 2 hours with the kids. At the end, they have their lunch. Some are so malnourished, they eat and eat and eat till their parents finally come get them. When one kid gets picked up though, several of the kids are longing to go. And all you hear through the sobs is a plea for their mommy. There was a familiarity in this. Kids are kids everywhere. And I felt a little comfort as I was able to hold one of the crying kids.

When we drove off, I have that same jello feeling I do everyday after oozing so much compassion for so many sad situations. I just sit in the car with my eyes forward. I don't even want to look out the window at the beggar woman knocking on my window trying to get money. She's spotted that I'm a foreigner, so she doesn't leave. We're stuck in traffic, and after several long minutes of determination, I break, and my eyes meet her's. All I do is pray silently. Everything else in my being is deflated at this point, so I beg God to fulfill her needs.

We drive off.

When we get to the hotel, I drop my stuff upstairs, then head downstairs for lunch. Things are becoming a blur. I try to eat quickly, then I go and pass out for a nap until our team meeting. The rest of the day goes by without any heart investment. All I see in my mind is the rotted teeth, dry skin, and skinny bodies of the kids I saw that morning. That night I go to a house church. Once again God provides me with a message to share with His people. In my weakness, He shines through. Like He always does. I speak on The Body, and Many Parts. At the end, He uses me to deliver personal messages to several of the people there. I'm floating around on a Holy Spirit cloud with scripture popping into my mind like popcorn in a bag. When we finally leave, a frail old lady refuses to let go of me. I have a hard time pulling away, and when I do, she follows me as far as her small body would take her. I wave goodbye, and stumble down the stairs. My Holy Spirit joy is the only thing carrying me right now. Physically and emotionally, I'm completely exhausted.

We take the 40 minute Rickshaw ride back to the hotel. When I get to the room, our family swaps Jesus stories of the evening. We float a few more minutes in gratitude of what He did that evening, and the ways He stretched up. Then stumble into bed.

If I'm lucky, I get to sleep quickly. Then I wake up, and do it all again the next day.

the piano

The piano is everything to me. Even when I was a kid, before I was even really good on the piano, I poured my heart and soul into playing. Everything I felt, everything I dreamed, everything I saw and everything I heard, my entire life went into playing the piano. Many didn't, and still don't understand. I never excelled to a place of being able to play proficiently in a band or on a worship team. I'm going through a season right now of working my fingers to the bone to be able to be an accompanist in a situation like that. But for almost 10 years, the piano and I were lost together in an intimate relationship. I told the piano everything. I cried tears of joy and tears of deepest pain over its keys. When people didn't, or simply couldn't, understand who I was or what I was dealing with, I told the piano. When joy overwhelmed me from time to time in my childhood, I expressed it through the piano.
I explored many different types of music. From pop, rock, and film scores, to broadway classics, Jazz and classical. For years I excelled in classical musical. It was massively structured and had little room for improvisation, but in every note and chord, there was a heart and emotion that struck the very soul of your being. After a performance a few years ago of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I felt I'd reached the peak of my ability in Classical music. So I decided to try the ever harder Jazz music. I moved to Washington while I was still in the middle of learning Jazz, but it instantly captivated me. Everything about Jazz screamed, "Unique". From the sound to the chord structure, it was what I'd been wanting to play since I started at 7 years old. It was immensely more difficult than Classical music. It is music that includes qualities such as "swinging," improvising, developing an 'individual voice,' and being 'open' to different musical possibilities. Needless to say, it is a wide genera with many possibilities that I had very little time to explore. Still I try to learn the qualities of Jazz music, and I am still captivated by how incredible it is.
However, I can't take the piano with me everywhere. I can't play it in a band or for worship, and I can't throw it in the back of my car and take it everywhere with me. So about two years ago, I picked up the guitar that had sat in the corner of my room for years, and taught myself to play. Transferring much of the logic and theory I had learned on the piano to the guitar was easy for me. Instantly I started my journey in playing guitar and singing on worship teams. I was never known as a piano player. Always a guitar player. And this crushed me.
But I didn't play for people's approval. As I moved quickly through worship team after worship team, playing and singing and living what I'd always wanted, my heart was still given away to my piano. And after awhile, I stopped playing the piano for people. My last performance was Christmas Eve 2011. It's been almost a year since I've gotten on a stage and played the piano for other people's enjoyment. Recently I've played for people on request, just as they happen to be in the room when I sit down, but the piano is my secret love. I don't need words for it to understand me. It just knows. Without it, so much of my life would have been lost. It has guided and directed my heart and desires. It's more beautiful to me than most anything. I can't describe to people with words what the piano does for me through music. But the one thing I can say, is it has held a massive part of my heart and life for almost 10 years that no one else could have been able to.

my life for two years - picture style

I was recently going far back in my stream of pictures on facebook, and I became overwhelmingly emotional about my past and where I have come from. A good emotion. I'm so proud of my past. And the things and people who have made me who I am. And really, I so want to share about it. Because I'm feeling sentimental, and miss home.

 October of 2010 - First time I ever played guitar with my worship mentor Carl Tuttle. Little did I know that I was on a road to an entire year of playing and learning from him.

 This picture is not as bad as it looks. lol. This was actually an insanely fun night with my friends in California. 

This was my friend Maddy and I watching our friend Carlton graduate high school in May of 2011.

For about a year I had a bible study of middle-school aged girls. Two of them are missing here, but from left to right, you have Hannah, Hailey, Alyssa, Kelly, and then me, and Kymberlyn was taking this picture, and Josie was gone this night.

My Papa and I having lunch before I left for the summer to go to camp.

One of the MANY times I played worship with Carl.

The place that changed my life, and the people that made it happen. Don't they look like the best kind of people ever?? :)

When I met my newest cousin, Malachi Hunter Blake:)

The day I got baptized. Carl did it. :)

My first love : Worship

Cannon Beach, Oregon : August, 2011

The first time I dyed my hair.

I went to Colorado last year.

These girls are like my little sisters, and I miss them massively.

The last time I played the piano in public. Christmas Eve at Faith Community Church - 2011

This picture was Christmas morning last year, and we are opening the box that started our journey to YWAM. In it were a bunch of little trinkets that were a hint that my mom was going to take us on a mission trip to South Africa. And through a string of events, that nugget of an idea for a "mission trip" brought us here to YWAM.

The last time I hung out with my friends in the desert.

 This was the day I got my nose piercing. I'll spare you the video..

The last time I played for Faith Community Church with Carl in the desert before I moved to Washington.

The second time I dyed my hair - Black. And the day I made friends. AND the day Sammantha Grant and I decided to be best friends. She's standing next to me.

Living with the 3 cutest kids on the planet. Ellie - Malachi - Sadie

Third time I dyed my hair - Ginger. With Sammantha again..

Sisters and cousins. From left to right, Me, Kayla (sister), Sydni (sister), Ellie/above Sydni (cousin), Sadie (cousin), and Holly (cousin).

4th time I dyed my hair. Goal was Ariel red - did I succeed?

Bubbles with Sadie - July 2012

17th birthday

Another summer at camp - These four girls further changed my life. From left to right, Katie, Isabel, Madison, and Lola. Katie was the first girl I was ever the intercessor for to lead to Christ.

5th time I dyed my hair - Orange Blonde

My favorite person in the world - Linda Romero. On her last day of camp. August 2012

One of the last times I saw my best friend Olivia Anne before I left for Hawaii.

 

 Goodbye to my other best friend Sammantha Grant. We actually spent the entire next day gallivanting around a park singing High School Musical. So this wasn't actually goodbye, but it was perhaps the best day of my life.

And then we are at the 6th time I've dyed my hair, and My mom, sister, and I in Kona Hawaii at YWAM.

So this is my life as of the past about two years. I love it:)